The effects of bad habits and how to help a friend

Cancer, Diabetes, Osteoporosis etc.
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
https://cutt.ly/meble-kuchenne-wroclaw
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

The effects of bad habits and how to help a friend

Post by DarkGalaxy »

This is kind of a strange question and I am not sure why I am asking it, but someone I care about has (and has had) a lot of bad habits for most all of his life. I am wondering how these habits could affect his health in the future and where someone who's lived like this for so long would even start if he decided to make a change for the better... These are his habits:

- smoking
- drinking obscene amounts of strong coffee (with milk and sugar) and loving it (not being able to do without)
- always staying up for two or three nights and days in a row, having absolutely no consistency in his schedule (and loving it); or sleeping during the day and staying up at night.
- smoking cannabis (actually to prevent being too tense from all the
caffeine and to 'improve creativity')
- moderate alcohol usage
- being very irregular with meals, eating nothing all day but maybe a couple of bananas, then eating a whole pizza when really hungry, right before going to sleep (on a bad day).
- eating standard US foods: sugary cereals, pizza, donuts, Cuban sandwiches, bananas, occasionally sushi or sashimi, pasta with tomato sauce, soy milk, whey protein, you know... meat, dairy, sugar, dough, chemical additives, all the worst things.

Ok now this person, a dear friend of mine... well you would think someone with these habits would look pretty bad and overweight, whatever but he actually is a very handsome, young-looking energetic, very lean and muscular guy with gorgeous skin (although maturing/ aging, it is the softest most moist skin ever). Most people think he is in his late twenties, but he is in his early forties. Strange in itself and this is probably one of the reasons why my friend doesn't feel he should change any of his bad habits. He has been able to get away with them seemingly for a long time but I see it is getting harder and harder for him.

My friend has been experiencing many serious problems like anxiety, social anxiety, severe depression (most likely bipolar depression), nerve problems, occasionally viral problems, ear problems, tooth problems and night sweats. His mental problems are the worst and he has a lot of anger built up inside. He has had many of these problems for very long or on and off, but he somehow doesn't want to address these problems or he thinks he can't, mainly because of the terrible mood swings and depression that only gets worse whenever he tries to quit smoking. He is also too proud to ask for help or to admit he has a problem, IF he even realizes it. It is VERY hard for him to enjoy his life or himself, it is a daily struggle for him. It is as if he is losing his mind and I know he is suffering severe depression. He doesn't believe in taking medication, which I can understand. I am really worried about him and I am trying to help him somehow but it is very hard and he doesn't take advice from people. He doesn't want to think about his body, he has some kind of phobia about the internal organs and how fragile human bodies are. I believe he is so stubborn because of the depression... I mean, he thinks negatively about getting help or making changes because he is depressed and he can't see it in a good light. He has other twisted ways of thinking and it makes me think that something is just wrong...

I guess there is nothing I can do but just bore the crap out of him with stories about health food and how you can heal your body of diseases... sigh. I mean, this guy is very talented, successful (although not wealthy), active and he has great intellectual capacities, but I think he is not doing good at all, mentally. The only way for him to cope with life is to completely escape into a fantasy world. If anybody has any insight, it doesn't matter what... maybe personal experiences, anything, please share it with me.

:cry:
dionysus
Posts: 411
Joined: Thu 16 Mar 2006 21:54
Location: Unknown

Post by dionysus »

Addiction is a huge topic. You may want to do some research. A Health Psychology text book maybe a good start. :)
Negativity is the cult of the weak
User avatar
RRM
Administrator
Posts: 8164
Joined: Sat 16 Jul 2005 00:01
Contact:

Post by RRM »

I believe you can only help people if they want to be helped, and actually ask for help. But thats me.
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

You're right, RRM and that's the problem. He keeps thinking that he can solve his depression on his own by adapting the right beliefs and he even feels so low about not being able to be a better human being or to be able to solve his problems. He thinks that's just the way he is. People have told him even 20 years ago he should try some meds or something but he gets paranoid and thinks people want to sedate him or change him. He just thinks he is a very troubled person naturally.
User avatar
RRM
Administrator
Posts: 8164
Joined: Sat 16 Jul 2005 00:01
Contact:

Post by RRM »

ah... Its also extremely hard 'to make people see things differently', especially this kind of thinking. At least with children you may be able to 'steer that in the right direction' a little bit, but with grown ups?
I dont know...
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

Ya... with grown ups it's like... impossible.
User avatar
Oscar
Administrator
Posts: 4350
Joined: Mon 15 Aug 2005 00:01

Post by Oscar »

RRM wrote:I believe you can only help people if they want to be helped...
I totally agree.
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

Ya... and some people will never ask for help or admit they need help no matter how tough things get for them... Who am I to even judge their situation? Maybe they are happy like that...
esprit
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu 10 May 2007 09:11

Post by esprit »

Oscar wrote:
RRM wrote:I believe you can only help people if they want to be helped...
I totally agree.
From own experience: I agree.
People have to hit rock bottom before they see clearly how selfdestructive their behaviour is. Some will manage to keep hovering above this rock bottom (until their health is completely ruined, but hey, "I lived my life the way I wanted to").
Don't be a therapist/parent, that is very frustrating!
User avatar
Oscar
Administrator
Posts: 4350
Joined: Mon 15 Aug 2005 00:01

Post by Oscar »

DarkGalaxy wrote:Ya... and some people will never ask for help or admit they need help no matter how tough things get for them... Who am I to even judge their situation? Maybe they are happy like that...
Exactly...in any case it's a situation of their own choosing. This does not mean we cannot show them possibilities. Was it in the Matrix where it's said: "I can show you the door, but you have to step through it."?
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

:)

Ya well anyways, you know, this guy was (is) my husband, we're getting divorced now, we've been separated for almost a year but we're still friends on and off. I left him after 5 years of marriage because there were things I just couldn't deal with anymore, he was very destructive in many ways and it was just plain killing me.
That is kind of why I was minding his business... because I was his wife. I hated the idea of playing mother/therapist so much... it's so hard to live with people who suffer bipolar disorder... they are so up and down... they get close to you then shut off again, etc. They are vulnerable one moment, then having the best time of their lives the next... so confusing!!!
dionysus
Posts: 411
Joined: Thu 16 Mar 2006 21:54
Location: Unknown

Post by dionysus »

I use to have huge mood swings. I would be in a bad mood for no reason! I couldn't even handle dealing with people. Wasn't pleasant.

You know how i use to deal with the bad moods? Cannabis and sex. I use to smoke & have sex ALOT. When i felt bad, they would make me feel good (though only for a brief time). They were kind of like my escape from the horrible feelings that the bad moods would create.

I actually think the bad moods were cause by sugar swings. Because since i've been on the Sample Diet i don't have them anymore. MAJOR: :D

Acne also played a part in creating a low self-esteem from an early age. I've had to do some 'inner' work to create my new self-esteem and confidence. It has been a long hard process. Years of negative thinking doesn't change in one day.

Now i have both my self-esteem and the mood swings in order, i truly feel like a new man. No more drugs. No more trying to sleep with every women i meet.

Very indebted to RRM and Wai. I owe them everything really...
Negativity is the cult of the weak
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

I am so happy for you!! :D
Also, well you actually tried and wanted to make a change and you did!!

My ex... well, let's just say that as long as he has his addictions and exciting new concepts to keep him feeling good about himself, he will keep going and not try the hard way. It is hard to stay up and excited for him, new things become 'old' fast. He tells me he feels lonely and that he struggles too much with finding lasting joy. I have seen his behavior of being overly tense, passive aggressive with extreme ups and downs and I also see that underneath it all, he has a low self-esteem. I look at his habits and think: wow, I would feel and act like that too... I used to smoke pot when I was a kid and it made me have social anxiety. When I drink coffee I become very intense and easily aggravated. Add to that the smoking, bad eating habits, sedatives in food plus stimulants... well I'd feel terrible!!
There are deep underlying mental issues he struggles with, plus all those habits and really a lot of other things going on in his life, it would be too much to explain.

I thought me leaving him would kind of shake him up and make him realize his destructive behavior and change something, but well... after a while, he seemingly had some manic period and seemed to be doing very well but he has crashed and come back to earth a couple of times so to speak. I didn't want to bother with any of it anymore, but now we're talking again and he seems to be realizing a lot of his problems and mistakes he thinks he made.

He is talking about getting back together in the future and to me the idea is just crazy. I don't even know if I'll ever want to see him again.
I just don't see him changing, although he tells me he is working on it. I just don't think he sees the connection with his habits and his moods. He even tells me he doesn't believe in addiction. What he has worked on is that he doesn't isolate himself anymore and he is able better to talk about his feelings. Those are big achievements in itself...

It's a shame because he's a wonderful person (otherwise I wouldn't have married him anyway). He just kind of lost his mind or something... not all the time but on and off.
I always thought I should help him but I realized at some point that it was useless, even though he wanted to change (mental issues). He tried.

Every time he would quit smoking again (because that is one thing that really bothered him) and he would get so... quick to anger, verbally abusive, and depressed. That is why he would start smoking again every time, just to be a nicer person. I just felt sorry for him eventually, but in his life and career, he has done pretty good. There are just two sides to this person I guess: a side I respect and admire, that inspires me and a side that confuses and worries me, disgusts me actually.

Anyway, that is great that you were wise enough to seek meaningful things in life (for you) and that you are doing so much better health-wise!!!!! I feel sad that not all people can experience that, you know. I did some drugs (heroine) when I was about 18 y/o and I've smoked cigarettes for a long time in the past, etc. I just wanted to reach a naturally healthy state with all the neurotransmitters and be high on life and thriving, that is why I started to research health food, 6 years ago. Nothing beats this, no drugs or temporary superficial pleasures. It does get tough when you're going through some tough times and you would like to get drunk to numb the pain, but nothing beats relaxation, nourishment... a good night's sleep and a friend who understands. We're such consumers... food, sex, people... a pill for everything.

I couldn't imagine being any other way than to live this lifestyle. There's always a price for everything. I am tired of abusing myself and my body and I love treating myself with love and respect.
dionysus
Posts: 411
Joined: Thu 16 Mar 2006 21:54
Location: Unknown

Post by dionysus »

With regards to the mood swings, I didn't actually motivate myself to change. It was only through trying to solve my Acne that i solved the mood swings and everything else. Pure luck really.

One think i have noticed is....you don't really notice how much of a hole you are in until you get out of it. Until you see the 'brighter' side.
Negativity is the cult of the weak
DarkGalaxy
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue 01 May 2007 18:52

Post by DarkGalaxy »

You're absolutely right... that is so true how you don't really notice how much of a hole you are in until you get out of it.

I have slowly climbed out of my 'own' hole (ehh..??) and it is painful to see other people struggling without them even knowing what it's like 'on the other side', so to speak. It is an ongoing process and I just want something in my life to make perfect sense.

I guess everybody is on their own journey in life and the only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. I think that helping others is the best thing but trying to give much help to someone who is not receptive is just a waste of precious energy.

I just wonder about how a toxic system could influence one's thinking and personality... the biggest change for me was quitting smoking... I felt almost like a different person after quitting. Addictions are so misleading.
Post Reply